Types of Girls to Avoid #2: Girls With Insignificant, Significant Others

Between the ages of 13 and 18, I learned an extremely valuable lesson: Do not actively chase a girl who is involved in a relationship. I don’t care how bad the relationship is, how much the girl constantly bitches about her boyfriend, if he’s a degenerate who is constantly cheating on her, don’t do it. If you find yourself wanting a girl who is previously involved, stop, and walk away. 

At one point during college, a friend of mine told me how him and his girlfriend started dating. Turns out he stole her from another guy. My first reaction was, “‘Dude, you are my hero”, because I had been in this situation at least 3 times prior. I thought surely it couldn’t be done. Years later, I find out the same person’s next relationship was started in a similarly dubious manner, and was just appalled. 

So what changed in those years? Well, I suppose part of it was that I had been involved in a serious relationship myself, and would never want to be on the other end of that. Part of it, was I just grew up. I now realize that it is a pretty scummy thing to try and do to another person. What happened to honor? Respect? Decency? There are certain things you don’t do to other guys, and this one should be chief among them. What makes a man try and steal another man’s woman. No, I don’t mean to lay claim that any woman should belong to someone, but to go after another person’s significant other is just a pretty low thing to do. It really sucks to be on the other end of it, and I guess that’s a sympathy you can’t get unless your in the position, but it shouldn’t be too hard to imagine. There is a great Kurt Vonnegut line that I think people should really take to hard when dealing with other’s, “Please, a little less love, a little more common decency”. Religious values aside, the world would be a lot better place if we were just a little more decent to one another. 

As a English major, I have countless examples of great love triangles from writings throughout the ages. In fiction, it all ends the same way: very badly.  None of the involved parties ever walk away unscathed. Tom, Daisy, and Gatsby. Rick, Ilsa, and Victor. This particular brand of love triangle comes with a heavy burden. Let’s look at this. If I stole a girl from another guy, had a mad passionate affair, or even just a strong connection, during their tenure as a couple, how on earth am I supposed to trust her? If a girl was so flippant that she could form a connection like that, while with another guy, I’d be really paranoid that she would do the same thing to me. Seeing as trust should be at the foundation of any relationship, this is a huge building block to be missing when starting a budding relationship. This relationship is doomed from the start

Bigger & Better

www.reasonswhyihategirls.com

Reason #15: The "John Cusack" Paradox

Let me start this off by I love and appreciate the talented work of John Cusack. That aside, he has really screwed over the gents. You ask any girl what they are looking for from a guy, I assure you that the word romance pops up. And what is our shining  example of romance? John Cusack. Sixteen Candles. Say Anything. Serendipity. The dude has been in the romance business for decades. 

What I have taken away from these movies that any fuck up in a relationship can be surely glossed over with a killer Peter Gabriel, some sweet words, and a winning smile. The problem here is that girls want big romantic gestures, but the actuality of these wouldn't go your way in real life. If I held a boom box over my head to a girl, at best, she'd chuckle at the reference, but it wouldn't win her over.

Another shining example I would like to give for this is How I Met Your Mother. There is an episode where our hero Ted, after 10 weeks of consecutive "no"s from a girl, plans an extremely elaborate date in  just over 2 minutes.  You can glance that here:

Two Minute Date 

Incredibly sweet to watch, would be grounds for a restraining order in real life. If i went through the trouble of having an appliance store play a cut together movie, my waitress acquaintance to serve us 10 seconds of dinner and another 10 of dessert a minute later, and got a cab driver to circle the block constantly for 2 minutes, I'm pretty sure I would scare the bejesus out of a girl. All this, I reiterate, is following ten weeks of rejection.

So what does this mean? Do we not attempt the big gestures? My assumption is always ere on the side of caution. We live in a jaded world these days. I can't imagine a girl not getting creeped out at any romantic gesture that grand and meticulously thought out. Maybe romance is dead, or maybe we just have to dole it out in perfectly pint sized doses, and not have it shoved down there throat. Maybe a spoonful a day.  In this modern-day, mixed-up, crazy world we live in the days of romantic cliches are gone. After 9/11 we can't chase girls down to the gate anymore, what a stunning blow to. romance.

 

The "Victoria" Theory

Victoria: So the thing that always screws it up is the next day. Right? So why don't we just cut that part out. 

Ted: What are you saying?

Victoria: I'm saying, I'm here. You're here. This is a big romantic wedding. Why don't we just dance and have a great time, and when it's over never see each other again?

Ted: Unless...

Victoria: No unless. No emails, no phone numbers. Not even names. Tonight we will make a memory that will never be tarnished. And then when we're old and gray, we'll look back on this night, and it'll be perfect. 

This conversation is taken from a season one episode of How I Met Your Mother, and is an excellent theory. The problem with this is clearly that you could be missing out on something spectacular. Sure, the odds aren't necessarily in your favor. Even in the show (Spoiler alert) Ted & Victoria eventually date, it ends badly. That perfect first night serves as a prelude to a devastating breakup. 

What is it about relationships, or rather the bitter breakups and heart-wrenching memories that make the happy times be tarnished? Should we be like Victoria, and practice not jumping in? Lately I'm beginning to put stock into this theory. For example, I met a girl while getting tested on in the hospital. We had a nice, long conversation. She lived close, worked in my town. I probably bumped into her 9 million times over the course of my life without even realizing it. I never had the guts to ask her out, and I'm left wording how that would of went. She is the best example of a "What if" girl I can think of. When a girl is making an hours worth of small talk on something that should take ten minutes, well awkwardly saying, "You have very nice looking insides" thats a sign that you should go for it. Whatever, the reason, I didn't. Do I regret it? Yes, and I'll be forever haunted by the fact that it really could have been something great. As much as wanted to do it, it could have been spectacular, or gone down in flames. As Ted would say, "It's the one thing that will always be pure, unadulterated awesome" 

So do we chase our "what ifs" or do we let them stay as beautiful memories?

Reason #32: What's in a Label?

We live in a society of labels. Age. Sex. Occupation. Marital Status. We are made up of labels. I'm a 24 year old male who is presently unemployed and single. So according to society, I'm not doing such a bang up job at life. Isn't the goal the wife, the 2.5 kids, the big job, and the picket fence?

So, when you look at relationships of the romantic sort, it only stands to reason that there are going to be labels. Are you dating? Are you in a serious relationship? Are you going steady? Boyfriend/Girlfriend? Living together? Engaged? Engaged to be engaged? and so forth. I feel there is a lot of pressure, especially in a burgeoning relationship to define what exactly it is. If I were to ask a girl out, and spend a few evenings with her, are we dating? Is she my girlfriend? Which is it. It's always an awkward, and sometimes stupid and unnecessary conversation. You have to check though, just to see that you are on the same page.

As a rule of thumb, if I go out with a girl, and like her enough to see her subsequently, I'm generally not out looking for other girls to spend my time with. I think "dating" is stupid. I've never been the "play the field" type of guy. There are some people out there that genuinely enjoy the satisfaction of adding another notch to their bedpost, but that will never be me. We shouldn't feel any pressure to box in things to these preconceived labels. How is it any different if I feel the same about a person, but instead of saying we are dating, I call her my girlfriend? It shouldn't really matter. Alas, there are those types of girls that when they hear the terms girlfriend or boyfriend, they get freaked out, assuming it's this giant level of commitment that

they aren't ready to commit to.

Why does it happen? Is it the previously mentioned emphasis on labels that society places. Why can't you just go out with a girl a few times and not have to have that discussion? The whole aspect of this has always seemed very high-school to me, and as I slowly get through my twenties, it gets even more immature and tiring.

When I was 20, I "dated" an 18 year old girl for about a month. When it got to the point to have the conversation with her, I pulled her over and said, "What are we doing here?" She immediately responded with a very callous, "I told you a month ago that I didn't want a relationship"

Back it up just a little bit. A month prior to this, I invited her to hang out, not really asking her on a date per-say, I saw in her online journal that she mentioned having a date with me. Since she put the label on this, I clearly assumed that that was what she wanted. So that night, I worked up the nerve to kiss her, and that was that. I spent a month being fairly involved with the girl. I saw her multiple times a week, I brought her home-made baked ziti at work. Basically, I was a nice guy and I put the effort into it. So, what exactly happened there?

I joked with my friends that she just wanted to screw around with other guys. And I don't think that was entirely too far off. She later mentioned regretting letting me get away. What I ended up taking from it (aside from my never date a girl who is 2 years younger than you rule) is that some girls put entirely too much emphasis on the labels.

Fast forward to 2008. I'm in a very similar, but very different situation. I am talking to a good friend, and there is the obvious attraction and chemistry there. We decide to make a go of it, she freaked out, I got frustrated. Repeat this cycle for about 7 months. All because she didn't want a boyfriend. I never even said the word, and for all intents and purposes we went through the motions of being a couple, but with none of the physical stuff.

So what does it mean to be a boyfriend? Is it physical? Emotional? Circumstantial? Committal? I would really love to be able to answer this question, but I'm afraid I don't know. The labels and terms all get mixed and muddled to me, and I think their specific societal labels have muddled them into something that is completely meaningless to me.

Reason #110: Always the Jester

I like making girls smile. I like making people happy. I like brightening up somebody's crap day. Any time I see somebody is upset I will crack a joke or a witty remark. What I don't like, however, is constantly being the person that people look to for that. 

There comes a point where it gets tiring to hear, "Hey, I had a crappy day, cheer me up" on the spot. First off, there is just pressure in that statement. If you are boring, or in a crappy mood yourself, and don't manage to say something clever or charming or adorable, that's it. You are done for. They want nothing to with you. Secondly, if I am having a crap day, the last thing I need to do is focus on cheering somebody else up, I should be working on myself.  In rare occurrences, I feel like that is the only reason some ladies talk to me. 

As a general note, there are the types of people who, when everything is fine, they are ghosts in your life. When they need somebody to bitch to, or to get a cheap laugh out of, bam they reemerge. It gets tiring.  I'll admit I call people just to vent, but I will generally care about what is going on with them, how their life is, etc. Friendship is not mutually exclusive, it goes both ways. I don't understand why people do something like this. I don't know if it's selfish, or just taking advantage of a person's kindness. Who knows. 

5 Reasons Why I Love Girls

As much belly-aching as I do about women, I thought I would mention 5 things that I adore about them. In a reversal of my complaints about all things Katy Perry, I figured I would mention 5 great albums by ladies that I love.

Volume One by She & Him. In case you didn't know She & Him is the musical partnership between M. Ward, and Zooey Deschanel. Okay, I know I said by ladies, but as much as this is a partnership and M. Ward is great, Zooey's pipes are really the main act here, and they are my favorite thing about it. I know a few people who are pretty "meh" on the album. I can't state how much I am diggin' this record lately. It's the perfect mix of jazz, soul, and a complete 60s feel. I put this album on when I work on my new script, or when I want to get into the Cigarette/Whiskey kind of mood. This record is completely old school, and it doesn't apologize for it in the least, nor would I ever ask it to. 

Stand out tracks:

Take it Back

I Thought I Saw Your Face Today 

Sweet Darlin'

Sentimental Heart

You Really God A Hold On Me

Where to check em out: www.myspace.com/sheandhim

Incidentally (shameless self plug), Zooey if you ever see this and want to be sing and act in, what I believe is an awesome movie, drop me a line.

Tristan Prettyman's Twentythree was a nice college discovery for me. I don't entirely remember how I discovered her music, which is rare. It might have been on indie radio, it might have been boredom online, it might have just been a random download. I don't know. What I do know is when I heard this I was on a major indie folk type kick. This album has a special place in my heart, just because I discovered it my last year of college. I was in a steady relationship, and my ex was a sucker for anything with a chick on guitar. She listened to it non-stop, and I listened to it pretty fairly consistently as well. This is just a solid, solid effort from a great artist. I saw her perform many of these songs on Feb 15th, 2006 (There's a recording online if you are clever and know how to find such things) and it just really cemented my appreciated of Tristan as a musician.  Her new album, is quite solid too. Check out the song In Bloom from it. 

Stand out Tracks:

Smoke

Love, Love Love

Electric

Where to Check Her Out:  www.myspace.com/tristanprettyman

Autumn Fallin by Jaymay. This is probably the least well known artist on my post. On my folk kick, I also discovered a local (to NYers) musician. I first discovered her EP Sea Green, Sea Blue, specifically the song Gray or Blue.  Something about her lyrics, her singing style, and her guitar work all just clicked to me. I fell in love with her EP, but I feel the LP is equally strong, and deserves some attention. A couple of the EP tracks made it to the album, but I ended up falling even more in love with the rest of the album. Hard to Say is one of the most interesting, unique, jazzy tunes I have heard in awhile. I have put this song on at family functions and nobody can guess that it isn't from an old jazz singer. If you live near a major city, and walk around in the mood for some folky stuff, this album is just perfect for it.

Stand out tracks:

Hard to Say

Gray or Blue

You are the Only One I Love

Ill Willed Person

Where to Check Her Out: www.myspace.com/Jaymay

Jenny Lewis's Rabbit Fur Coat. Thanks to some friends, I fell in love with Rilo Kiley, Jenny Lewis's most famous musical outlet. On her solo debut, Jenny tackles a slightly folkier sound. Her new album Acid Tongue was just recently released, and it I am slowly falling in love with it. I really can't say enough how talented of a musician Jenny Lewis it is, no matter what style of music she goes after. Rabbit Fur Coat is just a complete joy to listen to, and has guests aplenty. Fans of Death Cab for Cutie and Bright Eyes will see those singer's on here.

Stand out Tracks:

Melt Your Heart 

You Are What You Love

Handle With Care (a cover of a Traveling Wilbury's song featuring Ben Gibbard and Conor Oberst)

Where to Check Her Out:  www.myspace.com/jennylewismusic

Last, and certainly not least, a little album Jewel put out called Pieces of You. Everybody should be remotely familiar with the singles from this album Who Will Save Your Soul, Foolish Games, You Were Meant For Me. This album came out in '95, when I was in fifth grade, and is one of the first albums I ever got. You Were Meant For Me brings me right back to those awkward grade school dances, where the boys and girls are awkwardly on separate ends of the gym, until one bold, foolhardy girl just grabs the hand of a scared little boy, then the rest follow suit. Morning Song reminds me of my first girlfriend, and listening to this album on repeat while just laying there enjoying each other's company.  I suppose part of my fondness for this album is sentimental, but it really is a solid effort, and one I don't think she will ever duplicate in quality, no matter which direction she takes as an artist.

Stand out Tracks (that aren't singles):

Morning Song

I'm Sensitive

Daddy

Where to check her out: www.myspace.com/jewel

Reason #27: Where are they hiding?

So, in my last reason, I discussed how much I loathed the bar scene, and how it was a necessary evil in the process of meeting girls. Heres the thing: I have never met a worthwhile girl at a bar. I'm sure great, fantastic, perfect girls are at bars, but generally the types of girls that I end up wanting to be with, they aren't the girls that I'm going to be yelling small talk over bad music.

So the inevitable question I'm asking myself these days: Where am I supposed to meet somebody? In college, aside from bars, it was much, much easier. You see a cute girl in a class, you bump into each other in the book store, you belong to the same club, are you both attend a mutual party. The barrage of generic questions come up. What's your major? What do you want to do with that? Oh, did you take ___ with ___? And before you know you've made a new acquaintance of the opposite sex. Easy as pie.

Unfortunately, for those of us out of college (and didn't opt for grad school, or God forbid a PHD), that method of meeting potential mates comes to a close. And, as I have previously said, I am in my mid twenties, so where the %$#% am I supposed to meet a potential girlfriend?

I could pray for the occasional cute girl to run a test on me at the hospital (true story), but getting the date in that particular situation, is a delicate operation. I could stalk local coffeehouses, maybe do some writing and hope I bump into the girl I'm going to marry, or at least spend a few frustratingly amazing months with. I could do gimmicky things like speed dating, internet dating. I could meet girls at my job, but due to the experience of both myself and my friends, thats an area you don't want to broach (keep on the look out for a future Types of Girls to Avoid) There's always set ups. Friends of friends who I would supposedly adore, but you're friends never know that right type of girl for you. Heck, most of the time you don't even know the right gal for yourself.

It's a bitch to meet somebody after college, and I don't know why it has to be this hard. There are millions of eligible girls out there looking for exactly the kind of guy I am. Heck, I frequent one of the busiest, most populated cities in the world it shouldn't be this hard. Surely if romantic comedies have taught us nothing is that there is a happenstance encounter just waiting for me to enter on cue. I guess we are all just waiting on our Reese Witherspoon or Kate Hudson to enter our lives in a quirky, cute way.

Reason #26: The Bar Scene

Ever since I entered college and got a fake ID (oh so badass I know) I have been painfully familiar with the bar scene. Dive bars, college bars, trendy Manhattan bars, townie bars, they all have their pros and cons. As a whole I find the bar scene to be excruciatingly annoying necessary evil. 

Loud R&B, or nostalgic 80s rock pumping through speakers squeezed into every corner. People packed into every nook with barely any elbow room. Doe-eyed, ditzy bartenders who can't figure out what's in a 7&7. It's really quite a thing to behold.

Unfortunately this habitat is really the main squatting ground for college students and twenty-somethings alike. You go out to bars. You pay 5 bucks for a beer, or you buy a pitcher and drink from tiny plastic cups. You have to scream and scream just to talk to your friend who is five feet away. Thank God it isn't a club, but it isn't slightly far off. 

So if this environment is so unpleasant, why do I (and everybody else in my generation for that matter) keep going back week after week, repeating the cycle? Because everybody else does. Now, I'm fully aware that that is a retarded reason, and just because everybody does it isn't a good reason, but what else am I going to do on a Friday night? Sit at home and blog about why I hate girls?

Sure, the bar scene sucks. Sometimes you strike out, on the good days you meet people. Sometimes you get drunk on your ass and can't even remember what kind of night you had (even though in this is the case it was most likely bad, but vaguely remembered as awesome through drunk eyes and missing scenes). Sometimes you get some really great stories, so I guess thats why I do it. I guess I do it, because despite how much I hate the environment, it's better than sitting around. Plus, where else am I going to meet girls?

Reason #28: The Pack Mentality

So it's Saturday night, 11 PM, you and a buddy are at a local bar. Across the crowded room you lock eyes with a pretty little brunette. The ideal romantic cliche right at your fingertips, but she disappears. She is gone in a flash into a circle of people and cocktails. Sure, you can chock it up to the crowded bar, but the real culprit is much more sinister. 

You see, there's very specific thing about girls at bars that is especially infuriating. They never are alone. I know, I know it's a bar, they aren't going to go out alone. I understand that. It's not that they aren't alone really, it's that they aren't with just one or two friends. They travel in packs of 5, 6,7. It's a whole group.

How is a guy, or even 2 or 3, supposed to crack into that inner sanctum. It takes guts to approach somebody in a bar. It's an awkward situation, but to walk up to a group of five women, 10 eyes all looking and judging you from the moment of contact, is just impossible. You don't have to just score the interest of the one you are trying to talk to, you have to get the go ahead from the entire pack. 

Furthermore, let's toss up a hypothetical into the mix. I see a cute brunette looking at me. I walk over, initiate conversation, turns out- I'm totally off base, but the fact of the matter is her friend thought I was cute. I've already approached the wrong girl. It isn't as if I can turn to the next girl and be like, "Oh, hey, what's up?" I already started trying to talk up her friend, and I strike out where I could have potentially had success if I picked better. It isn't as if one can walk up to a group of girls and simply ask, "Okay, what's the rule here? If I try and talk to one of you, and strike out, can I pick again?" or, "So, before I make an ass out of myself here, do any of you find me cute or charming?" 

Okay, sure, there are some girls out there that bring along their entire group for this sole purpose, but not always. I have known of girls that have been the only single one in a group of married or involved women. Are they going to meet somebody in this circumstance? Possibly, but it is a lot less likely. Ladies, by traveling in packs, it really doesn't make it easy on the guys (but that I suppose would just be too simple and take all the fun out of it).